"He's Just Not That Into You", a romantic comedy released in February 2009, documents the personal lives of five women and conveys their desperation to find love and their struggles after having lost love. After seeing this movie for the second time I discovered that I had formed my own opinions about love and relationships in general, which is entirely what led me to this keyboard tonight.
After four years of dating a guy (we'll call him Faithful) in junior hight/high school that was two and a half years older than me I found myself falling for another guy (we'll call him Delusional) who, according to my parents, hung the moon. We kissed, I cheated on Faithful, and Delusional and I started dating; all at the ripe old age of 17. (Remember Delusional as he will most likely be referred to again in blogs to come.)
After dating Delusional for three years only to find out he cheated on me for two of those years, I finally freed myself of a seven-year itch. For the first time in seven years I was without a boyfriend, I was without a constant in my life, and I was happy. I was finally free from my incessant compulsion to be with another person and as I began my new life on my own I could feel weights being lifted off my shoulders.
Nearly two years later as I reflect on those seven years I spent burdened by the constraints of a relationship, I find that I have made little to no headway in my lacking desire to be in love again. While some girls are sniffing out Mr. Right like bloodhounds, searching the nooks and crannies of every singles' hotline in the area, I find myself running in the opposite direction of any specimen of the opposite sex that may be the slightest bit interested in asking me my name. This desire to avoid the opposite sex has caused somewhat of a concern for my mother who is growing evermore antsy to have grandchildren; yet, I have assured her that it won't last forever. Surely it won't, right?
I am afraid of love. I have been afraid of love for two years. And once I discovered my fear of love I was then afraid of being afraid. I have my reasons for being scared of love, as most people do for being scared of anything, but those reasons are meant for another day and time. My fear of love leads me to question my ability to love. While I know I am capable of loving another human being, I possess no desire to do so. And because I do not want to love another person I refrain from putting myself in situations that may lead me to even like another person. This must come across as odd to those out there who are in love, or at least those who think they are in love; but, I have come to terms with my lacking desire to love and therefore do not intend to let it worry me.
While I could go on and on about the pitfalls of love and the benefits of singleness, I will save that for another day. At this point in my life I am content and that is all that matters. I will continue to avoid love at all costs, but it will wait for me. Five years down the road when I least expect it I know that love will come creeping back, begging to reveal its splendor. After much deliberation I will most likely give love the second, well third, chance that it may deserve, all the while hoping and praying that it will not mislead me again. And if I am naive enough to put my faith in the words sung by Ewan McGregor in an elephant tower in hopes of convincing yet another leery female of the greatness of love, I will discover that "Love is a many splendid thing; love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love." Until then, I will bask in my freedom and continue not to wonder if he's just not that into me; because, after all, it makes no difference if he is or not to someone who is avoiding love.
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